Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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