Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
