If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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