im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
