my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
