Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
