Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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