THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
