i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
