i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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