Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
