I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
