i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
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