Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
