i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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