Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
