genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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