he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
