Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
