I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
