God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
