There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
As shirtless as possible
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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