getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
