Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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