I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
