I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Let's paint friendship bongs
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
