I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
