Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
