____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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