fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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