Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize