are you still at the devil's house?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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