Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
