no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
