the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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