I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
