I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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