I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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