Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
