First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
