If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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