I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
