Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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