i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
