i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
