I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
