the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
