So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
