So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
