pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Randomize
