I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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