I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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