before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Randomize
