Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
MIDGETS
????
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize