we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
