I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
