The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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