Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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