my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
