all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
